Lottie Biggs is recovering from her mental disorder of a reasonably significant nature with the help of her counsellor, who rather helpfully looks like Johnny Depp.

Things are looking up - her hair is an excellent shade of black, she has a Saturday job in a hairdresser and Gareth Stingecombe and his manly thighs are still the love of her life.

When Gareth undoes his trousers to show Lottie a fetching bruise on one of the aforementioned thighs, she comes to the realisation that, unlike everyone else she knows, she is A TOTAL UTTER VIRGIN.

But how can she get any sort of experience when her boyfriend is doggedly, stubbornly and infuriatingly determined to preserve his energies for the rugby field?

The wit of Louise Rennison with the depth of Jacqueline Wilson.