The Bluffer's guide to hiking

Never again confuse LEJOG with JOGLE, a Munro with a molehill, or a Corbett with a cairn.

Bask in the admiration of your fellow enthusiasts as you pronounce confidently on the comparative merits of an Active Explorer and a Wainwright, and effortlessly learn how to solve any imponderable problem in the Great Outdoors by quoting a key Latin phrase beloved by hikers (and which also happens to be the answer to life, the universe and everything). DO SAY: "There's a fine line between permissiveness and flirtation, and a 'permissive path' may cross this line on a regular basis.

Such paths are not legal rights of way. They merely tease the hiker into thinking they are. One day you can walk along one, the next day it may be closed.

One minute it's your best pal, the next, it just doesn't want to know you." DON'T SAY: "If out on the hills without a fleece, just catch a couple of sheep - strap one across your chest, and another across your back, and you'll enjoy the same benefits.

Sheep have a nervous habit of urinating when hikers pass by, so strap them head upwards and feet outwards.

There's only so much work your wicking base layer can do."