Bluffer's guide to tennis

Know what to say, what not to say, what to do on a court should you make the mistake of being seen on one, and what excuses to make if you can't lay a racquet head on a ball.

Never again confuse topspin with a slice, or a squash shot with a tweener.

Bask in the admiration of your fellow tennis players as you pronounce confidently on the merits of the windshield wiper, the reverse forehand and the run-around.

Above all, know exactly how to hold your own against the sort of tennis nerd who probably emerged from the womb reading a copy of Inner Tennis. And never wear a headband. DO SAY "I was trying out an extreme version of the extreme Hawaiian and something just went 'ping' in my wrist.

Never been the same since." DON'T SAY "You CANNOT be serious...you guys are the absolute pits of the world!"